Sometimes, I Wonder
At the end of Senior year I was having serious problems falling asleep. Then when I was away this summer I stopped sleeping all together because each night I was on Bug Patrol. But now that I’m home the whole lying-in-bed-for-three-or-four-hours-before-I-finally-fall-asleep has started again; and it’s probably the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of all bad things that have ever happened in the world since the beginning of time. Seriously.
During these three to four hours I think about everything. But there has been one problem that has been showing up on rotation for about two months now. It started out as a mere joke but has somehow found its way into my subconscious taking over my every thought and is now taking a toll on my daily life. What Would I Be Like If I Were A Boy?
Now I’m not talking about if at 22 years old I had a sex change or if some voodoo witch made me switch bodies with a man a la The Hot Chick. No, I’m wondering if I was simply born as a guy, what would I be like?
The first time I thought about this the answer seemed obvious to me. I would be gay, duh. My love for musicals surpasses anything else. (yay for stereotypes!) Also, I like guys. Therefore, I would be gay.
But then I started thinking more and more. There are so many guy rituals that I don’t understand as a girl. Would I partake in them as a guy? For instance, would I be as self conscious? How much masturbating would I do? Would I be able to handle it when my friends would rag on me? Would I be competitive? What if my penis was small? Would I be an asshole who makes stupid “women” jokes? WOULD I PLAY SPORTS?
Because I really need to start sleeping, I decided to turn to the internet for an answer. I found out what Beyonce would do if she were a guy. Obviously she would “roll out of bed in the morning, drink beer with the guys, and chase after girls.” Sounds pretty solid to me.
Some ladies on Yahoo Answers had some helpful insight as well, “I would find a way to still wear my pantyhose. I sure wouldn’t want to be a boy! I love my Sheer Energy pantyhose!!” Or, “i would probably do what i normal do except do any girl things, i would go to the men’s toilets and………………….normal stuff i guess. But if i do become a boy i hope i won’t be messy, smelly, gross, annoying and that type of stuff.” And, “Burping contest.” “Pee my name in snow.”
While all of these fascinating women made interesting points, what I apparently desperately need to know is the overall TYPE of guy I would be. Thankfully, the internet came through for me once again and I found this genius online quiz called “…:If You Were A Boy…: (For Grils)” I know what you’re thinking, and yeah I’m not technically a gril, but figured taking the quiz couldn’t hurt. After answering a few extremely personal and stereotypical questions, I finally got my answer. “If you were a Boy you’d be the gentleman. Kind, elegant and laid-back you’d be every girl’s dream. You’d be traditional and gentle, you’d probably never insult anyone. Guys like that are usually very smart, but kinda shy. You’d probably wear a nice clean suit. You’d be very down-to-earth and sometimes rather boring. Too traditional, eh? You’d be a cool guy anyway.” You know what? I can totally dig that. Not to mention my answer also came with an intriguing looking anime cartoon, so I now also know that I would look like a buff Asian gentleman.
So, after months of searching for an answer, I finally have one. Not so sure how I feel about it, but at least I now know what I could have been if my X and Y chromosomes had sorted themselves out differently. And also, if my parents were Asian.
There once was a girl who didn’t sleep.
At night she didn’t dare make a peep.
For instead she was counting,
The number of bugs, which was mounting,
How she wished she could just count some sheep.